CHARLOTTESVILLE, Virginia -In a firm statement of contrition, the University of Virginia issued an historic apology for the use of slave labor during the construction of the venerable institution. On the 264th anniversary of the birth of Thomas Jefferson, the University's founder, the school expressed its regret for using slaves to build and serve the school and its community. Soon after receiving news of the formal apology, Jews around the world demanded a similar apology from Egypt for that country's use of Jewish slave labor during the construction of the pyramids.
"It is a well-documented fact that enslaved Jews were a primary source of labor for the pharaohs during the construction of the pyramids," explained Murray Stempf, former Brandeis University associate adjunct visiting professor of Jewish History. Dr. Stempf wrote his doctoral dissertation on the debunking of the myth that it was free Jews who had built the pyramids. The issue is still up for debate in academic circles.
Jews outside of academia, inspired by the news out of Hoo-ville, turned up the volume on their calls for not only an apology, but for reparation. However, those calls were soon muted when said Jews realized Egypt had nothing relevant to offer as reparation, short of free trips to aforementioned pyramids.
An unnamed spokesman for Egyptian President Hosni Mubarek leaked an early draft of a proposed non-binding resolution. The statement included the language: "Dear Jews, On behalf of my fellow Eyptians, I thank you for your ancestors blood, sweat and tears--though mostly their blood--when they helped to build our great pyramids, the only true source of tourist revenue in our midst. Without your enslaved ancestors' unwilling participation, we'd be nothing but another desert country with no way to attract western visitors and then blow them up. Please accept our most humble apologies."
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