SANTA MARIA, California—Upon learning that accused child molester Michael Jackson declared “I am a warrior,” ‘80s rockers Patty Smyth and Scandal have reportedly issued a statement demanding he retract the claim.
A band spokesman is reported as having said, “This is ludicrous. We all know Patty was the warrior.” Unlike so many celebrity defendants, she and Scandal fully admitted to shooting down the walls of heartache. “It takes tremendous courage to admit culpability. Patty and her bandmates accept responsibility for being the warrior.”
Defense lawyers are scrambing to do damage control as further investigation of the lyrics of “The Warrior” could more definitively link Mr. Jackson to charges of child rape and false imprisonment.
“Well isn't love primitive/A wild gift that you wanna give/Break out of captivity/And follow me stereo jungle child/Love is the kill/Your heart's still wild”
Legal analyst Mercedes Pantagruel agrees that the plagiaristic claim that Mr. Jackson is the warrior indicates that he may well have drawn influence from that song to entice the underage “stereo jungle child” accuser with the pornography and alcohol-tainted “Jesus Juice” already entered into evidence at trial.
“When you couple that verse with the next verse, where the lyrics that go ‘ You talk, talk, you talk too me/Your eyes touch me physically/Stay with me we'll take the night/As passion takes another bite, oh/
Who's the hunter, who's the game/I feel the beat call your name/I hold you close in victory/I don't wanna tame your animal style/You won't be caged in the call of the wild,' well you don't need to go to law school to know that looks very bad for Michael. He has a documented history of having a fetish for exotic wild animals... and what was the name of the tour he did with his brothers in 1984? Oh, that's right: Victory. Not good times for the King of Pop.”
When asked if she thought Ms. Smyth or the members of Scandal would be called as witnesses in the already star-studded media circus of a trial, Ms. Pantagruel said she did not.
Patty Smyth, who is now married to tennis great and fellow self-proclaimed bad-ass John McEnroe, could not be reached directly for comment. However, she has a long-established track record of standing up for children's issues and is a respected mother in the sports/rock marriage community.
When asked about the band's reaction to the charges levied against Mr. Jackson, the spokesman simply said, “As an artist, Michael Jackson was a tremendous contributor to the cultural fabric of a generation. Unfortunately, he is alleged to have contributed to the delinquency of the next generation. And if those charges prove to be true, we simply say, ‘Goodbye to you.'”
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